Rolling Backpacks Bring Plague of Abstinence

Brody Sparks, Staff Writer

We have all heard them rattling behind a group of students, clunking the metal stripping as they enter through doorways, screeching to a halt when a pebble is caught in the wheel. The trend began with mothers returning to college to study dental hygiene, caught traction with groups of students studying abroad, and is now in the midst of breaking its way into the hands of mainstream students. According to a recent study conducted by myself, Brody Sparks, when asking over four people what the cause of their involuntary abstinence was on campus today, 75% of polled individuals concluded to their personal use of rolling backpacks.
On a campus that already lacks the presence of Saturday night sorority girls, it is hard enough for our younger student population to find themselves a significant other, or even the temporary companionship of another student. Students cannot afford to throw more obstacles in their own way such as the rolling backpack. This is why I have a suggestion to spin the overuse of rolling backpacks on campus in the lonely student’s favor. Mimicking the idea introduced by Michigan University in Ann Arbor and brought to the limelight by the American Pie series known as The Naked Mile, students should get together and streak a mile through campus in order to show pride and comfort in their physical bodies, rebellion against the establishment, freedom of their spirit, and pride in their school. I propose that Lake Land students join together to run “The Rolling Mile”.
The event would begin on Lake Paradise Road and would end a mile later on the beaches of Lake Mattoon. In this event, students would be encouraged to bring their rolling backpacks and drag them through the event until finally at the finish line, the backpacks are ceremoniously thrown into the depths of Lake Mattoon.  Nudity would be allowed as a statement against the establishment, but neither encouraged nor discouraged.

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